Finding Foundations On Foundation Week

My Symphony: Goodbye Again by Vertical Horizon

on_the_road_by_fraeuleinamok

I think I need a sunrise. I’m tired of the sunset.

Just so the people in Bacolod would know, The University of the Philippines-Visayas is currently celebrating its 63rd anniversary of presence in Iloilo and thus, the Foundation Week. The event annually includes different programs, contests and income-generating projects which are all participated by the different academic organizations and the entire student body. The highlight of the week-long celebration is the Hinugyaw– a ramp-slash-modeling competition between the acad orgs in UPV. So now why is it that I am here blogging at home instead of practicing and preparing in Miag-ao? The answer is both simple and complicated: because I chose to be isolated from the “Miami Heat” (Miag-ao Heat) for a particular span of days. Simply put, I decided to go back here in Bacolod once again and this time, with a different reason.

The Foundation Week in UPV could’ve been one of the best experiences I could make as a college freshman. This could’ve been the first big event of my college life. I could’ve been lying in my dorm room right now, impatiently anticipating the fun and games which are about to take place after the sun rises. I could’ve felt all those thrill, sweat and hyperactivity just by looking forward to the fun days to come during the Foundation Week. All these “could’ve beens” could’ve not been possible. But they are possible. They are happening right now… simply because I let them happen.

Well, to tell you directly, I backed out from the Hinugyaw competition. I just suddenly felt that it is the last thing I need right now. I am fully aware that a lot (and I mean A LOT) of people in UPV, especially those belonging to my acad org, are very disappointed and even mad, irritated or annoyed at me. I backed out four days before the competition. Well, I have made my decision and I already told several people what made me quit. Now this is the part where both the people in Miag-ao and the ones I knew here in Bacolod will say “Damn, Kenn is such a quitter!”

Yes, I guess you can say that. I am a quitter.

I am a quitter, but I’m not the only one.

At some point of our lives, we all have to try making our own decisions. As a matter of fact, I can tell you honestly that I haven’t really been a very good decision-maker. I am actually a bad one. Ask my friends way back in elementary and high school and they will surely spill the many things I regret doing before. I think that decision-making is my worst nightmare. Admittedly, I suck at choices. My whole life, I have been basing my decisions on other people’s will and motives. For the most part, I wasn’t really able to walk with my own feet and by my own will. I was rather dragged ’round and ’round life’s uncertain shores. Do you wanna know a bit of my story? Well here it is:

I believe that I have only made just three major decisions in my life by my own will so far. Here are those THREE decisions I have made with my own heartbeat and soul.

* Get out of the Honor’s List in High School and live the remaining days of my life as a high school student with both fun and happiness. (I almost failed many times in Math IV and Physics… because I really HATE these subjects)

** Take up a communication course instead of a pre-medical course. (I took up BA Communication and Media Studies, even when I belong to a family of “scientific” and “mathematical” achievers… because I want to)

*** Quit Hinugyaw. (four days before the event… because I wanted to… and also because my heart no longer felt like being a part of it anymore)

These three are the ONLY decisions which I have made by myself without the influence of other people. This is because recently, I am finding that I should start making my own footsteps without being dragged. I should start learning how to say “no” to some things sometimes, because saying “no” doesn’t always mean being weak. Quitting doesn’t always mean being weak. Failing doesn’t always mean being weak. It may also mean that you are making yourself a room to grow. It means that you are only taking a step back to see things in a wider horizon. It means that you understand genuine happiness doesn’t come with excellence, perfection, richness or fame but with the simple but heart-warming things that consist life and everything else in between. And even if you say that saying “no”, quitting and failing are signs of weakness, then that would still be okay because…

Sometimes, being weak means you’re just being human.

(No one in this world is really that tough enough. Let’s face it. Even heroes have the right to bleed)

In my case right now, I am not being a hero at all. I don’t know. Maybe I am the one who needs to be rescued.

Well, apart from this, I just wanna say that as time goes by, I am missing Miag-ao more and more each day. I have already found a few good friends there. Vagueness put aside, I miss them.

I won’t be able to be with them for the next four days, and I feel like it’s gonna be long cold nights without them.

Well, I am here in Bacolod once again for the very purpose of looking for a certain thing here. Quite enigmatic, ei? Well they say that in order to understand the future, you must occasionally look at the past. Now I’m here to reminisce a lot of things, hoping that I will soon find the answer I’m looking for– the answer to the question:

Why?

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