Turbodynamics

Turbo [\t(u)-r bow] :n
of Latin origin, meaning “a whorl or spinning object”. Usually used to indicate a turbine engine such as a turbopropeller. The name has connotations of speed, force and great energy.

Dynamics : or Dynamic: adj
a. (used with a sing. verb) The branch of mechanics that is concerned with the effects of forces on the motion of a body or system of bodies, especially of forces that do not originate within the system itself. Also called kinetics.
b. (used with a pl. verb) The forces and motions that characterize a system
c. The social, intellectual, or moral forces that produce activity and change in a given sphere.
d. adj,  marked by usually continuous and productive activity or change

 

My Symphonies:
Say (All I Need) by One Republic
I Think God Can Explain by The Splender
Something to Believe In by Aqualung

You know that feeling? When you’re riding in a fast train,
1,000 miles per hour with no detours and no brakes,
then you look outside the window…
you see those trees and those sign posts and they start to look like nothing but blurred objects…
and you can hardly see everything you pass by clearly because of the speed?
Well that’s how it feels like– everyday… except that I came to realize that I am also those trees, that sign post along the road. I have been left behind by all the good things of life because of my own speed and dynamism.
I slow down and I go too fast at the same time.
This is an existent oxymoron which has been dwelling in my life for quite some time now.

How will you react when one day, someone tells you that you are an emotional sadist, a perfect tripper, a “too-much-too-complex” being, an insensitive user, a self-centered sociopath or a manipulative egoistic coward who hides his own weaknesses by preying on other’s faults and softness? How will you react when this person adds that you have an ever-changing mindset and an overflowing indecisiveness that it devastates a lot of people around you? Most importantly, how will you react when one day, you realize that the person who told you these things isn’t the first one? How will you react when you discover that these things are what the people in your life have been telling you a long time ago… and you only came to notice it just today?

I won’t force you to answer these questions. I will answer them for you.

I assume you have the speculation that I myself have been told of the many negative things mentioned above. Well you got it right.

I thought before that it was kind of unfair for people to accuse me of those things. I used to think all of those awful words make up an overstatement and an offensive lie. Little did I know that one day, I will finally admit it to myself and to other people that yes…

maybe “sometimes” I can be such a pain in the a**.

To tell you honestly (Okay. I never thought I’d say this. Ever), a lot of people suffered, suffer and will suffer because of me and my very complex personality. I hate to admit it, but I find that they aren’t the only ones who suffer. I am also having a hard time along the process. The list of affected people goes on including my brothers, my parents, my mentors and even our housemaid.

A long time ago, I fell in love with someone I never thought I would fall in love with– someone I shouldn’t have fallen for on the first place. Things went well at first but they ended up dark, secretive and convoluted that I got out of the relationship as soon as I felt a head-banging wake-up call. After that incident, I fell in love once more. This time, with someone who taught me that people come and go. I can confidently say that what I felt for her was true and genuine. I thought that time that she was going to be completely a part of my life until, once again, things turned out ugly and violent. Up until now, I tell the people I meet along the way that I have fallen in love only twice in my life so far. I say this with ease and conviction. However, as days go by and as I tend to take more doses of life experiences, I tend to question myself if I’ve ever been in love at all and sometimes, I even ask myself if I ever came to know love on the first place.

Came senior year in high school, I indulged myself with a string of both daring and dangerous flings. I said I had a crush on this person, another on that person, still another crush on another one and the next day, I took it all back and said I like a new one. People were actually very puzzled with me that time. My senior year perhaps proved to everyone how complex and mysterious I am. It’s like I change phases and faces in a span of seconds, and I am speaking in a literal manner. Starting that year, I let several people enter my life. That several grew into “many” until such time I could call it “countless”. I’ll try not to be so vulgar about this one because this isn’t even the main point why I’m writing right now. Well, the last time I checked, I thought of all the people I met , and I was able to come up with an imaginary list. This list made me think a lot.

To both my elementary and high school friends and classmates, to my relatives, to my college friends, my college schoolmates and to the random people who have entered my life and were kicked out of it all of a sudden, I really know that you understand what I am talking about here.

This has been going on for almost two years now, and I can’t help but think of the accusations against me.

I know I’ve hurt a lot of people. I either fake love or execute a true lie. Either way, I always play with other people’s emotions. You all said I am tricky– an enigma which causes painful delusions to many people. I change my mind as rapidly as a fashion model changes his clothes in a ramp. I never settle for a single decision. I am indecisive at times. I mess a lot of things up because I don’t have the ability to decide wisely in a snap of a finger. Yes, it takes me an hour and a half to pick clothes to wear and yes, it’s the reason why I’m always late for class. I am a freaking indecisive monster and there’s nothing I can do with that. There are a lot of things (negative things) that people can throw on me just like that. I may be a lot of demons to them, but let me tell you what I’m not.

I am not a bad person.

And right now, I feel like I don’t know whether I should be mad or sad. Mad, because people don’t understand me. Sad, because I don’t know why no one can seem to.

You know what my problem really is?

My problem is that never in my life have I had a true bestfriend who lasted for more than a semester or a school year since the day my world caved in. Everyone one seemed temporary, tentative… expired. No one was there the whole time to see me the way I really am. No one was there the whole time to listen to all my problems. No one was there when I moved into a new school and into a new house. No one was there to witness my entire story. That’s why no one seems to fully understand me. It’s because everyone else in this mad world only knows a part or a chapter of my life but never the whole. It’s a very thick book I have here in my heart—3 inches and counting. The problem is, no one has ever read it from the front cover up to the recent pages. This is why I am having a hard time looking for someone whom I can lean on, whom I can really trust, whom I can turn to when the world is turned against me.

All of life’s burdens partially boil down to the fact that I have no lifetime bestfriend.

And now the follow-up question is… why is it that I don’t have one?

A friend told me just now that maybe I should change my ways because the world doesn’t and won’t revolve around me all the time. At first, even before, I thought of considering such advice, but right now I feel something else.

I feel that somewhere, somehow, someone who will truly accept and appreciate me as I am is waiting.

When I finally find that someone, I will never ever let go.

Post Script: Majority of the content of this entry is based on what
other people personally told me.
All those accusations, those mean labels and inconsiderate stereotyping...
Credits: (^^^), Tay, Big Bro, B, Sparks, DarkShower, PNPIG, ChaY, Tribu B, Tom, Jom, Lloyd, Hins, Neil Letigio, Aphro, Inch, 3466, Raph, Nic, Nels, Marc, Twin, Emm, Ate E, Drew, Oranggutan, Siopao, Scrot, UPV Skimmers, GOOD FRIENDS, Ashton, Orange House stalker, mentors, Peter, Chinoy, Lest, Nico, Vince (part 2), Den, John, Rick, Brian, Roy, Phil, Steve, Kaye, Elle,  ET CETERA!
 
(I’ll add the credits as soon as I remember some forgotten names)

My life is like a fast train. It leaves a lot of people feeling dazed and dizzy.

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One thought on “Turbodynamics

  1. Kenn – as you know, I’ve never met you. As you might not know, I am generally regarded as a gentle and easy-going guy to relate to. When I first met you on-line a year ago – and since reading your blog site this last week – I have always looked forward to actually encountering you in person.

    When I read a posting such as this one, though – I wonder if I have the stamina and skills to be able to handle all that you are, Kenn? You sometimes appear as such a maelstrom of energy that I suspect you’d regard me as semi-comotose in how I function – and tire of the encounter rather quickly. Or you would wear me down or wear my out too damn quickly.

    On the other hand, maybe you need exactly that – some containment, some type of governor to slow you down and to give you a needed break from yourself and your multitude of never-ending thoughts and activities.

    My heart certainly goes out to you, though – in your seemingly endless search to find significant others who will pay you the attention you crave – and probably what you rightly deserve. You strike me as packing way too many years of experiences, insights and understandings into the few chronological ones you’ve actually lived – and wonder why you’re been cursed or blessed with that occurance.

    I must say, and this is attributed to my own metaphysical understanding about what is happening in the world or our universe RIGHT NOW – that you are talented enough, capable enough and flexible enough to be able to handle absolutely anything coming down the pike.

    Like me, fortunately or unfortunately – you seem to be mesmerized and dumbfounded primarily by ‘people’ – and your yearnings for a good, solid connection isn’t happening – and you therefore find yourself continually re-railed. I’m not one to give advice, and certainly have none for you here – but maybe you need to see yourself in a whole different light, a new understanding in order to better cope with your personal situation. But you seem to constantly be doing just that anyways – so it’s a conundrum for you, unfortunately.

    Some people believe that if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, and getting the same results – that you should change or alter your whole approach. It ain’t working.

    Others believe that some things demand a ton of patience – that you simply have to hold onto something long enough before it’ll eventually work itself out. Neither approach is right. Neither approach is wrong. Instead, it, to me – is all relative to the person you are.

    And Kenn Edward Tenorio is quite a creation, isn’t he? Probably no reader of your blog site has anywhere near the challenges you have to face. Probably no reader of your blog site feels things so deeply and is so affected by the actions of others. Probably no reader of your blog site cares as much as you do about the things you do.

    You’re unique young man – and that carries more a burden, perhaps – than any of the rest of us can imagine.

    I just hope you can hold on long enough to have enough things make a decent type of sense to you. You are too valuable character for us to lose – that we all will eventually need the blessings that a gifted and very conscious being such as yourself will bring into our lives – as you likely have been doing already.

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