Early Morning

01:14AM

Tonight has been a reminder of what I have, what I don’t, what I used to do and who I used to be. People who really know me tend to tell me that I think way too old for my age. And that’s probably because looking back, I can see how I dashed my way through adolescence and into adulthood. To put it simply, I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I began taking life seriously at a very young age. It’s weird because I always tell people “Life’s too short. You gotta enjoy it, not endure it” or “Tomorrow might not even come, so just party hard” or “You only live once. Get as high as Mt. Everest!”. But really, all of this is quite hypocritical. Because despite of all the “carpe diem” notion I’ve been trying to inject in my mentality, at the end of every day, I still find that something is missing; that there’s something in me that feels empty. This happens every night when I lie in my bed, thinking. And I realize: this will never go away. This consciousness that something is lacking. It will always be there. No matter how many vodka shots I take, or how many cigarettes I smoke, or how many other sorts of drug I put in my body, or even how hardworking I try to be as a son, a brother, a friend, a student, a lover, a person… there will always be that feeling that it wasn’t enough; that I missed out on something; that I could’ve done more. So what do we do with our lives then? If we take things seriously, the world doesn’t seem like it cares. But then if we don’t, it seems like it does. We wanna live everyday to its fullest coz we always say tomorrow might not even come. But what if it does come? Jay Sean sings: “We gotta party like it’s the end of the world. We gotta party like it’s 2012.” Well I mean it’s already 2012. Now what? What if the world doesn’t end until the next millennium? We just never know. And that’s the hardest part of all– not knowing. It has always killed me a little more inside each time I do not know. Not knowing is tragic. Not knowing what’s gonna happen next, or where to go, who to talk to… not knowing why: not knowing why things are the way the are; why people always leave, why bestfriends become strangers, why feelings fade, why marriages get broken, why society is so superficial, or why pineapples are called “pineapples”. It’s so hard. I could go on and on wondering about a myriad of things in life which I find peculiar. But now, I am just happy that I have come to a conclusion once and for all:

Life is too short, or too long, for me to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly. (Paulo Coelho)

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