The Fault In The Make-Believe

My Symphony: Give A Man A Home by Ben Harper

And Hansel said to Gretel, “Let us drop these breadcrumbs so that together we find our way home because losing our way would be the most cruel of things.”

As I am sitting here in front of my laptop computer, I find myself bewildered by the fact that I haven’t written in this online journal for almost a month now despite the fact that I’ve come to terms with the reality that I am at the most important stage of my life so far. I used to think that this is just another common irony of life. I mean, I used to think that maybe I haven’t been writing that much anymore because I am too busy with what’s going on in “the real life” that I don’t have time to encapsulate my stories through journalism. But now, I think I finally understand what’s really going on…

The truth of the matter is, I am lost. I have been lost.

Nobody can ever know how much courage it took me to admit that to myself. I never really looked at myself as a lost soul nor have I thought that feeling empty as a human being was ever possible. But the things that have been taking place in my life lately change everything I knew about the world I live in and of who I am. Before I came to Canada, I had everything I ever needed: a comfortable house with a roof top, family and relatives I could rely on at any time, groups of friends I could call my “crew”, a city in which I knew every corner and every turn and an 18-year old life that was founded with meaningful stories and unforgettable experiences. I was like a cute little baby plant showered with fresh water and comforted with warm sun rays and with occasional dose of pesticides on a daily basis. But most importantly, back then, I had an identity. 

This isn’t another lash-out session about how cold and boring I find this country to be. In fact, this isn’t about anything or anyone else at all. This is about me– I lost my way. And I lost it in a really scary way: I lost it upon an intimately melodramatic encounter with another lost soul. But I will not talk about this person here because again, this is about me. There’s no one else to point fingers to. I am at war with myself, and that leaves me to see how I’ve changed so drastically over the course of a year.  And I’m scared. I’m scared that I may have lost my faith, my light, my passion… the very core of my being. I’m scared that I may have lost my belief in love, art, beauty and The Afterlife. I’m scared that I may have lost every single thing that I both had and didn’t. But the scariest thing of all is I may never find those things ever again; that I might have to continue living the rest of my life feeling like I’ve never really been able to breathe at all, that I’ve never really been alive to begin with. The lost soul I have encountered simply added to the intensity of the wind that blew off my light. It isn’t his fault. Because really, my light had already started to flicker and lose luminance way before I met him. It’s just when I started investing time, effort and compassion in him that I realized I didn’t really have anything to offer. I was empty all along.

The kind of connection I lost cannot be considered minor. I look at it as something which is as tragic as a man losing his home, and who consequently has to spend the remaining slumbers of his life in the dusty streets of downtown. He wakes up every morning and the first thing he does is hold up a sign that says “Hungry”. On the flip side, it says “Thirsty”. On mid-day, he walks around the city begging for alms, and people look at him like he’s some kind of a disease. I do not know what it’s really like to be that man, but I certainly know how it feels like to not have a home, emotionally (which I honestly think is just as bad as being literally homeless). Somehow I feel like I am not attached to anything anymore. Not my family, not my friends, not the world, not even myself. I feel so detached to everything and everyone that I’m starting to figuratively live inside my head. All of this is just as blurry to me as it is to the people who have noticed my lack of touch with reality. I wake up every morning, live the day, go back home and do what I’ve been doing best lately: sleep. I mean, the way things are unfolding in my life lately, it makes me love sleep even more. This will sound odd and incredibly weird to “normal people”, but I feel like it is in my sleep that I get to know myself more, and the world even better. It is in my dreams that my heart and my mind force me to embrace all the lies that realize the truth.

I can sleep forever. And I can listen to melodramatic music all day long, or read as many novels as I can in a week. But there’s one thing that I cannot do, and that is to neglect the visible world. Yes, I am generally a dreamer– a romanticist-idealist who spends most of his time in what’s not really there. But I do know. I know that at some point, I would have to leave the books at home, pull off my earphones, take a pause from writing… and just live.

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8 thoughts on “The Fault In The Make-Believe

  1. Kenn – you only gave me your blog site title yesterday and yet here I am yammering at yet another of your entries. You likely find me long-winded and I hope you don’t mind me more than just ‘liking’ or making a one-line comment, or text message, about your heart-felt writings.

    Your entry today demands far more than just one reading – and I don’t want to do more here than tell you how much I appreciate and value reading what you have to say about your life and the struggles you apparently confront. I’ll perhaps make attempts at a later date about some of the struggles themselves – after those further readings take place on my part.

    I generally need to process important things that touch my life, Kenn – and you are indeed touching my life. I hope you don’t mind me saying that the exchanges we can possibly make, as you likely do with a few others in your life, might prove worthwhile and perhaps even profound.

    I think, again – that you are an amazing young man. I regard ‘consciousness’ and the ‘ability or willingness to love’ primary characteristics of those I most admire – and you seem to be packed with both.

    If you ever read my recently published book, ONE MOAR PARADIGM, you’ll see it is simply a record of conversations between me and a Psychology student 15 years ago. Since starting to read this blog site of yours, I wonder how different that converstation would have been if I had encountered you instead of him? I easily accept the fact that you and I could have wandered far past the point the one Jason and I reached. However, that book will do whatever it was intended to do and probably easily surpasses the point most people reach together.

    Again – just know this reply is a poor response to your immediate entry, Kenn. What you have written demands far more thought that the first and relatively simple things rambling through my mind on its first reading.

  2. Kenn – another thought just crossed my mind – which you might consider.

    As you might know, I spend at least 6 months of the year in a comfortable travel trailer close to Saratoga Beach on the east coast of Vancouver Island. As you might imagine, we have a lot of summer holiday traffic in this RV park, and me the social butterfly or gadfly that I am, easily encounter some interesting visitors.

    One such recent couple from Crow’s Nest Pass in Alberta have a 46 year old son that lives in near-by Black Creek – who has been a challenge his whole life for his parents – even now. The dad figures the son might well be an idiot-savant, with its attending challenges, problems and assorted gifts. The mother instead thinks he an ‘Indigo’ child – a term I’d never heard before.

    Her short definition of that is that we human beings have been digging a trench for a long, long time – and that it leads nowhere promising. ‘Indigo’ children, apparently, see and feel things completely differently. The world just doesn’t make any sense to them in the way we’ve constructed it – and their challenge is not only to survive their own situation, but to somehow lead or influence or teach us all about better pathways.

    Unfortunately, they tend to almost be always alone – never finding the companionship people typically need in order to survive. Their challenges are therefore unique, their goals uncertain and clouded with misgivings – and they have to contend with the general misunderstandings of those around them.

    You strike me, in the little I know about you, Kenn – as maybe being one of those gifted, yet challenged, ‘Indigo’ people. I would imagine many such people succumb to their lonliness, or turn to drugs or alcohol to ward off those demons of consciousness that make them so aware of the situation they’re buried in – as well as the condition of their own minds and souls.

    I have no idea if you find that possiblity of perhaps being one such ‘Indigo’ child a blessing at this point or not. Just thought I’d add it to the stew and allow you to chew on that possibility for a while.

    • “Her short definition of that is that we human beings have been digging a trench for a long, long time – and that it leads nowhere promising. ‘Indigo’ children, apparently, see and feel things completely differently. The world just doesn’t make any sense to them in the way we’ve constructed it – and their challenge is not only to survive their own situation, but to somehow lead or influence or teach us all about better pathways.

      Unfortunately, they tend to almost be always alone – never finding the companionship people typically need in order to survive. Their challenges are therefore unique, their goals uncertain and clouded with misgivings – and they have to contend with the general misunderstandings of those around them.” –> i find this soooo true. I always believed that I am wired differently than most people I know in my life. And it’s weird. If you’ve read my entry “My Happily Ever After”, you probably know by now that I’ve been in quite a lot of relationships before, but none of those relationships ever worked out for me. And before, I thought it was just how things unfolded, but now I’m starting to think that it has something to do with me being the way I am. Whatever that means. Blaaagh! My mind has been so cloudy lately.

      • Kenn; I’ve been in 3 relationships in my life – the first and most significant one in my early 20’s. Totally and compassionately in love. Powerful. Lasted the typical 2 years (I’ve mentioned this before) and then a 2 year one at about 30, another 2 year one at that ended when I turned 40. I loved those 2 guys – but not in love with them as I was with Bryan.

        Learned that I just ain’t a relationship type of guy – I need to be free to be able to relate to anyone, depending on the circumstance. Exactly like I’m relating to you right now. If I had a lover sitting and watching TV 10 feet from me right now, chances are I wouldn’t be sending this to you – as I would be devoting love and attention to you that perhaps ought to be ONLY directed towards him. Ain’t happening, my friend – I’d much prefer relating to you – although if I demanded or expected a committed relationship with one person, the way I’m going about it is backwards.

        I’m mailing off that book of mine to you in the morning, Kenn – and in it you’ll see that I mention that I had always wanted to be able to reach a certain state or stage with that first and important lover (we still relate by email – though he’s now retired in Vermont) – but I first had to somehow ‘develop’ or ‘discover’ that stage. Because no matter how good our relationship was, it just didn’t answer or supply all the longings I had for connection at a soul level with another human being.

        I mean, if you’re totally and madly in love with someone, shouldn’t that almost guarantee that link? Kind of sounds like it should work that way – but it simply hasn’t done it for me. Sounds like maybe you’re eternally caught in the same conundrum – and that becomes hard to handle when you have a built-in sensitivity and intense longings of the heart and the desire for good connections with others.

        Kinda shitty, to be truthful. But I built myself to learn how to handle that ‘touch and go’ type of interaction with others effectively – alhought it certainly has a heavy cost. You and I will sometime have to talk about a ‘mission’ you might be on in life, bud. That could add some significant factors to the mix.

        BTW – not sure what’s happening to the top of this message – if it’s coming through intact, as it sure ain’t looking that way from my end! I can’t proof read it, though.

      • always been here where i have always been…hehehe.. thought of sending u a message on ur fb page but what do u know, the message button is gone. u‘ve written a lot of stuff again. im a bit behind but im sure ill read them all. u sure question humanity, life and a whole lot more.. which i like. really like. ingat ka lagi. 😉

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