My Symphony: A Sailor’s Drunken Eulogy by Right Away, Great Captain!

August 17th, 2012

Ten years from now, all of this will be a blurry distant memory. All of the pain, the joy, the sufferings, the good times, the bad, the parties, the funerals, the long walks along Vancouver’s streets, the booze sessions at Sea Wall, the laughter, the lunches and dinners, the tears and the occasional debates and arguments about the most random things. The interesting people I know will eventually turn into faces without names and names without faces. Deep, meaningful conversations will turn into casual hi, hello, or nothing at all. Hours and hours of pure honesty and genuine connection will deteriorate into an insubstantial mental residue. Everything that I know right now will one day change, and everything that I believe in at the moment will not make any sense at all. The people that I invest so much in will leave and they will move on with their lives, and I will spend several years wondering, like I always do, where they are. Because it is mind-bugling, isn’t it? It’s very crazy, how life works. I mean, as a kid I just did my usual thing: life then was just an endless cycle of day and night, and toys and lunch boxes and video games. But growing up has changed everything. Now I learned that I should be incredibly terrified of the future because it is, as a matter of fact, a very strange and deceitful place. And for a sentimental soul like me, the future is and will always be a lonely place. It really sucks that not all of the people we love in the present time will make it with us till the end. I’m 19, and I’ve watched marriages shutter, couples break up, bestfriends become strangers and love transform into bitterness or worse, nothingness. And it hasn’t been fun witnessing all of this at this point of my life. I know I am too young to feel this old, but I quit looking at age as anything more than a number. I am 19, but I will probably never feel as human and as alive as I do right now. I am 19 and this has by far been the craziest and profoundest time of my life… It’s also been the scariest one.

So where do I go from here? How do I make peace with the nature of humanity? How do I come to terms with the reality that all of this will just one day be a thing from the past? How do I confront the kid in me that out there is a wild, violent, depressing world? Most importantly, what is it that I can possibly hold on to when the one I love the most begins to drift away from me?

I have always known that my heart is such a weird place. And for the past four months, I have put it through a hard labor. It has been working non-stop, racing, beating, dancing with every breath I take. And now I begin to ask myself, “What is this for? Why do we love, and why do we hate, and why do we feel pain, and why do we suffer? What is all of this for when none of this will even matter in the end?” Seriously, why do we have emotions? They are disturbing and sure they make me feel alive and human, but it’s really gotta be the hardest shit anyone has to go through. And it’s mostly because nobody can ever understand the human heart. Not even yourself.

So ten years from now, all of this will be a mere memory. Even this Facebook status update. I don’t even know if Facebook will still be existent by then. Crazy, ain’t it? We are right now in the process of memory-making. That’s all of this ever is. It’s all about life and how each moment is fleeting.

I know that I am not alone. I am not the only person who feels this way about the world and about life in all its mind-bugling glory. I know that we are all scared, and I applaud literally each human being alive right now. We are all fighting such a tough battle, and whoever said it’s easy is either just drunk or delusional.

As for me, I can confidently say that I am at my most afraid and vulnerable. I just can’t stand the thought of tomorrow. For the first time in my life I actually do not want the future to ever come. I wish I could just live in the present forever, or at least just be infinite with the one I love. But nope. It doesn’t work that way. All I can really do is love with all my heart right now; love until I am so worn-out and beaten up; love until I cannot see clearly anymore; love until my veins are so tangled together; love until I can’t feel anything else; love until my insides collide so that breathing is already almost impossible; love until I feel like I cannot love more; love in such a way that I will never, ever, be the same again.

I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough…

— N.Sparks

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