Red Blanket Thoughts

My Symphony: Save Face by Smoke and Jackal


In my life, I have been told a lot to relax, to just “chill”, to calm down. People always tell me, “Don’t overthink things. Just live and enjoy the ride!”, or “Just think simple and happy thoughts”, or “Keep yourself so busy that you won’t even have time to even think about thinking.” And I’ve tried my hardest not to deliberately over-analyze life and its profound complexity. Everyday I try to keep my cool, wear my smiley face and go on with everything as if I have finally decided to submit myself to a common life that offers the same road everyone else in the past had taken. But no. See, my worry is that no matter how hard I try, I know for a fact that I can’t keep myself from doing what I always do. It’s almost insane when I think about my thinking. It’s like day after day, I wake up and go through the next 24 hours not as myself but as someone else, as an audience to my own existence; someone who’s going nuts trying to make sense of it all.

Sometimes, when I’m walking along the streets of downtown, I get this weird meditated illusion that my sole purpose here on earth is to experience the world as a viewer, as a third person. As someone who’s there not so much to live, but to EXPERIENCE life by watching everyone else live theirs.

Tonight, after I pulled my red blanket all over me, I finally felt the undeniable revelation to myself that this is what I’m made of; that this is how I chose to exist; that in my own little world of thoughts, and dreams, and ideals, and romance, occasional euphoria and daily melancholy, lies the very core of my being.

…and that, afterall, my thoughts aren’t a mere intangible nonsense, but life. MY life.

 John Re Mugar said in response:
Maybe, you don’t need to chill out. maybe, you’re already on the top of the maslow’s hierarchy – the need for self realization. maybe, you just don’t want to stick with the status quo. maybe, it’s your idealism that wants to unfurl into a different form. maybe, it’s time you take action. maybe subconsciously, you just want to turn that ideals into reality. so, what if you try out all feasible ideas, and see how they will turn out. there may sometimes be harm in trying, but it feels good to satisfy one’s curiosity. and the best thing is, you get to learn by experience. maybe, just maybe, the purpose of life is the pursuit for one’s happiness, and it’s challenge is for you to find out as you live it.
— J.R. Mugar
And I said in response to his response: 

I am grateful that you brought up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It is so easy for me to forget terminologies, and yet terminologies actually help a bit with understanding.

“…maybe, just maybe, the purpose of life is the pursuit for one’s happiness, and it’s challenge is for you to find out as you live it.”  I have long thought about this as well. And I think, maybe, you’re right. You know, I think that as humans, we can’t really blame each other for wondering, or for choosing to be oblivious about life’s meaning. I mean, there are millions of questions in our minds that will most likely be never answered.

One other thing I realize, John, is that we are animals. A pretty interesting group of animals, but still, JUST animals. We eat, sleep, grow, have sex, read body language and group/regroup with other animals of our own kind. The bottom line is, we ARE animals. And, just like any other animal, our time here on earth has a limit. Whatever it is we’re doing now– studying, working, staying at home, reading a book, cooking pan fried noodles, gardening, etc., — is our self-engineered preoccupation. I figured this somehow: we are all just doing whatever we can here on earth to OCCUPY ourselves until we die. And how Manny Pacquiao, for instance, chose boxing as a profession to OCCUPY himself until the day he dies.

But this is my thought about this: there truly must be something bigger inside of us (or maybe not all of us, but some of us) than just occupying ourselves with random earthly activities. There must be this light in our guts that makes us wonder, ask and think; that makes us who we are today. Whatever it is, it is, I believe, the same thing that makes us take several minutes out of our time here on earth to talk about a thing so abstract, so vague and so seemingly pointless as this.

Questions. Wonders. Amazement. It never ends…


Jesse R. Midtdal, Thank you for your monologue. It has sparked a fire inside me that led me to think even more. And for that, I am happy. 

Ian Moar, Thank you for always effectively pointing out what belongs to my blog site, and for never failing to remind me that it is more than okay to be an observer, and that there is a lovely hint of joy that comes with wondering. 


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