Now that I look back on it from a higher, greener ground, I realize that the biggest pain I went through was far deeper and uglier than the sheer betrayal, physical assault and verbal belittling. I have come to realize that the absolute worst thing he had done to me – the gravest, most unforgivable thing he had done to me – was look at me in the eyes and not see me for who I really, truly, fully, was. The one heartache that’s bigger than any other heartaches: to be loved not for who you are but for what you can potentially be. Not you but the idea of you. A love not rooted in genuine passion, kindness and understanding, but a love founded in the depths of some sort of a superficial fantasy. The greatest pain, I have come to learn, was that he hurt me not because I was imperfect… but because I was just not enough. And the difference between the two (imperfection and incompleteness) is vast and overwhelming. It’s funny, though, how life works. Because as much as it was a nightmare, it was also an awakening. You get treated like shit first, and then you learn (the hard way) how you actually deserve to be treated. You get hurt first, before you can completely appreciate what it’s really like to be loved. ❤
My Tune: Trouble Sleeping by The Perishers
I’ve always believed that in any circumstance, we must remain enduring and strong just like human teeth.
First of all, I am right now in an abnormal blogosphere mode due to several reasons. Number one, since my personal computer just died four days ago, and since I don’t have the nerve to take a leave from blogging, I am currently in a computer shop. Yes, you read it right. I’m in an actual computer shop where I would have to pay for every minute and ever inch of a second of my stay here. And yes! This is also a place where I would have to use my personal money just to update my social networks and of course, my dear Aftertaste. Another reason is that I have killer exams tomorrow, and my being here simply shows how sluggardish I have become through the past weeks. I believe this is clearly brought about by my previous depression and emotional breakdown [which is by the way so over right now]. Speaking of “sluggard-ish”, I still have this fear of failing two of the four major subjects in school, Math IV and Science IV. Just one more wrong move and my report card will look like a Christmas in September with all those red marks and sarcastic official notes on the side. I am not exaggerating here, people. I actually am in the verge of failing those two pain-in-the-ass subjects. Well, the final reason for my addressing this blogosphere I am in right now as “abnormal” is simply the fact that I have so much to talk to you about, but there’s so little urge in me to actually keep on typing here while all the other people in this shop are yelling and screaming as they play their who-knows-what virtual games.
So, about that depression I have been talking about… I am convinced that it’s totally over now. I just came to think that this is just like less than nothing compared to all the other serious problems one can ever undergo, like having to lose a family member, or having to stand under a not-so-starry night, asking yourself how shallow you have been lately.
Foolishness had been my best friend for the past weeks. Foolishness and self-unawareness. Yeah. These two.
But what the hell, right? Again, my shallow anguish and all of my petty depressions were nothing compared to what the world is facing today, like corruption, poverty, food shortage, degradation of natural resources, governmental falsehood, political hypocrisy and so on and so far. What I realized just now is that sometimes, people get really self-absorbed and selfish. I mean, I am naturally self-absorbed and selfish in my own ways but, oh well, the particular time when I have to finally grow up as a responsible citizen might be now.
But I’m telling you, I’m not even ready to become a righteous citizen of the Pearl of the Orient Seas. I don’t want to be. Not yet.
Oh God, I’m being abstract again!
So okay. Moving on, it’s really obvious that I’m not in my sane self in this particular moment. I mean, how can I be? I am just fresh from a heartache overload hangover. A heartache overload. Right. I was there.
To seal this another vague disposition of mine, I’m just sending this little cliche’ lines from a song by Matchbox 20. I just unexpectedly fell in love with the lyrics because clearly, the lines may speak in behalf of me.
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something.
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why…
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay a while and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me
Good heavens! It’s just so amazing how you can relate so well to a sad song which then becomes so so good to listen to once you’ve started relating yourself to it. Wow.