To My Next One

My Symphony: Amsterdam by Coldplay 

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(photo source)

There you are. Wiping the sweat off your forehead after another long and torturous day of wondering where I am.

There you are, just sitting there with your signature poker face. You are holding that Humans of New York book that you’ve read from cover to cover for about seven times now. In front of you is a wine glass full of orange juice. You’re not gonna be getting drunk tonight. You’re not gonna be in the club dancing with sixty other strangers and contemplating each soul that’s potentially breathing inside every person in that room whom you find cute. Because tonight, you’re staying in and cooking your own dinner. Tonight, only for tonight, there is no time for any interaction aside from that which you are having with yourself. You’ve decided to just sit there, in front of your overcooked salmon and lukewarm orange juice, and think.

So there you are. Thinking. Not the kind of thinking that you normally do when you answer your major exams, or the thinking that’s required in planning those summer vacations you go to with your friends in spring; it is rather the thinking that you do when you think about love.

There you are. Beautiful as the sunrise. I don’t even understand how someone can be as stunning as you are. I mean I didn’t even know it was possible, but there you are – a breathing, shining proof that somewhere out there lives a higher power. Something that is way larger than any of us earthlings can imagine; something that’s ethereal, superhuman.

There you are. You have said you’ve been single your whole life because none of your past relationships seemed right. There are days when you wonder what love feels like, looks like, smells like. Does it feel the same way the palm trees feel the ocean-catapulted breeze? Does it look like the view of the city from the rooftop of your apartment building? Does it smell anything like green tea and vanilla extract? You do not know. But you wish you did.

There you are. You have gone to at least eight different countries by the age of twenty-four. What are you looking for out there? Nothing, maybe. Maybe you’re just sort of walking around this entire time, subconsciously hoping to finally bump into me. You have spent a significant amount of time with your friends. And they’ve been really good friends to you. They’ve laughed at your jokes, smiled at your happiness and waved at your moments of randomness. They’ve been with you on all those long walks, all those food trips, concerts, live theater performances and sometimes even on Valentine’s Day. And tonight is no different. They’re still the ones that fill your phone inbox. They’re still the ones that flood your Facebook timeline. They’re still the ones that witness your life as it unfolds dramatically. The only difference is that tonight, the unsatisfied longing for the presence of that one person – that one person whom you will love with all your heart – has definitely hit the deadline. You want love, just as much as I do. But the universe has had a funny way of creating two like-minded individuals who are a perfect match, and then putting them so far away from each other.

There you are. Where have you been? It’s actually quite funny. I’m impatiently asking you this when you have every right to ask me the same question. So where have been?

I’ve been here. Not sitting like you are right now, but floating. I’ve been dreaming a lot and sleeping a lot. I’ve been here and there, and I’ve looked for you too many times in too many places. I’ve been in this dozy tourist village that is my bedroom just writing about you, reading about you and thinking about you.

And now here I am. Jaded after all the rollercoaster rides in my life so far. I am bruised and scarred but smiling. Just like you, I had spent the whole day somehow hoping that our paths would finally cross.

Here I am, visualizing the numerous awesome moments we will be making.

Inside my head, here we are. I’ve never felt this special with anyone in my life. I adore the dimples that form on your cheeks each time I smile at you. I adore that. I adore the fact that I can be certain you will always smile back. Because when you smile, your eyes somehow disappear but your joy doesn’t. And I adore that. I adore that we can be foolish and intelligent with each other without having to apologize for anything. I adore that we are so the same yet so different. I adore that you like dogs, Katy Perry and dim lighting. I adore that everytime the wind brushes through your hair, it dances just enough to create the illusion of us hovering above the ground. And everytime I hold your hand, I adore that it fits perfectly. When you’re far away and I see you, it doesn’t take you long to see me; we don’t yell or wave, and sometimes we don’t even smile – we just look at each other as we approach the center point. There’s all this percolating love and passion underneath the calmness. I adore that. I adore that because all those years of trials and errors have led the two of us to this point. And there’s so much inside of us that we can just explode at any given second. But I adore that. I adore the idea that we are now standing face to face like two active volcanoes ready to erupt. And I adore that the eruption would be an eruption of love.

But here I am. And there you are. No amount of thinking and visualizing can realistically put us right next to each other any time soon.

I like to believe that you are out there, Next One. And if you are, I hope that at the very right moment, you will finish that orange juice of yours and take a walk along the beach.

I will be there. And I swear, you will be the Last One.

The Ice Cream Diary

My Symphony: I Fell In Love Without You (acoustic version) by Motion City Soundtrack

If last time I’ve been wondering whether or not I am a cactus, today I found myself drowned by seven pillows ‘til two in the afternoon and by seven cups of vanilla ice cream topped with chocolate chip cookies since the minute I woke up. Now I start to wonder… Has my irresistible childhood addiction to sweets returned after many years of exile, or is it just my heart carrying a load of depression seeking refuge in carbohydrates?

I often see in soap operas that when a person gets extremely cheerless and gloomy, he finds escape in indulging himself in life’s simple pleasures. I don’t know what kind of pleasure you have in mind, but I’m pretty sure ice cream and cookies count.

Today, my time has come. It is my turn to drown myself in ordinary fancies which bring out extraordinary relief from life’s inevitable bitterness. I can just smile even by the mere thought of gliding that silver spoon filled with 100% pure frozen vanilla cream along my lips. I reach out for a couple of delightful cookies smothered with cream as my eyes grow daintily bigger and brighter before such scene of delicate beauty juxtaposed by both bliss and passion. With the cream-filled cookies carefully approaching my half-opened mouth, my cheek bones begin to appear momentarily higher than they used to be in the absence of the luscious treats which are at the moment finding their way right into my system and into paradise. Every ticking of the clock signifies a second closer to the bottom of the whipped transparent cup in which I contained all the milky goodness of what I have been devouring. As I reach the last lump, I close my eyes, hold the spoon near and smell it, and then I swallow every existing molecule which comes with such wonderful treasure. The next second, I open my eyes… and I am back to reality— the reality that I may escape from a tragic turn of events for a little while, but I will have to face it now, or never.

Holy moly. I just came to see that I have so many methods of getting away from my problems. Well, an ex-friend-turned-mortal-enemy once told me that I am such a weak piece of creation. I always run away when everything turns dark and ugly, just the way some people insist I ran away and moved to Iloilo last June. At least that’s what a couple or three people told me. Well, I am not here to judge what other people think of me and my decisions anymore. I think I’ve outgrown that already. What I am here for is basically just the relief blogging gives me especially now that I have “social issues” and just recently, a little love life complication. Argh. Since when have I become such a romantic? I don’t know. Since last Saturday? Ugh. I hate to admit it but yes, I have been head over hills over someone who may not even be worth it.

So now I am left at home alone with my lonely heart… and a not-so-lonely cup filled with vanilla ice cream topped with cookies.

Awwwwwwh. Yeah right.