Today, I Turn Twenty-four

My Symphonies: Home / Day Wave

Wasting Time / Day Wave

Semi-rocking the guybun in 2016 (*Not a recent photo, thank god!).

So today, I turn twenty-four. 

I remember typing out almost the exact same words back in May 2013, when I wrote Today, I Turn Twenty. This time is different, though. When I turned 20, I felt a lot of uncertainty and discomfort towards aging. In fact, I used to be a self-proclaimed ageist. The mere thought of being a year older always made me feel nauseous and quite anxious. Every year, when I “celebrated” my birthday, I would always try to hide how upset I was with the fact that humans have to naturally age. I hated the concept of getting old.

But this year is different. For the first time, I actually feel very at peace with turning a year older. And not just that; I also feel very at peace with the fact that every year, everything and everyone else turns a year older. It is finally safe to say that I have come to terms with the way the world works – Things and people age; there’s nothing we can do about it.

I am writing today not just because it’s my birthday, but also because I want to acknowledge change. Change, who comes when it’s time for it to come. Change, who is the master of beauty and tragedy. Change, who is the initiator of bliss and chaos. And Change, who so effortlessly comes with aging.

When I think of my life from the beginning leading up to this point, I see it in chapters. And what’s great about chapters is that they tell us that apart from the end and the beginning of every book, there are tiny little ends and beginnings in between. And these little ends and little beginnings create something beautiful – something worth reading, worth telling and worth living. This has been my life:

The Childhood Years, when I first learned to take life one step at a time (literally); when I played in playgrounds and scratched my knee like every kid did; when I looked at grown-ups around me and wondered if I, one day, was also gonna be as big and as complex and as successful as they were; when life was a never-ending cycle of naps, tantrums, school, lunch boxes and Cartoon Network…

The High School Years, when I tackled so many things for the first time without much knowledge about life and the world I lived in; when I fell in love for the first time, got my heart broken for the first time, failed an exam for the first time, topped the class in something for the first time, made great friends and mortal enemies for the first time, and played in the field of teenage angst, romance, betrayal and overall drama for the first time; The High School Years was that one chapter that gave the first definite shape of my personality…

The University of the Philippines Years, which gets a special chapter due to the silent but steady impact it had on me. This chapter was when I learned that I can handle change (a major change) for the first time. I learned that simplicity doesn’t have to mean boring, and that modesty doesn’t have to mean defeat. I learned to take matters into my own hands, stand up for myself and carry on through the tough days without having to cry for help. This chapter was when I started to really genuinely appreciate sunsets, deep meaningful conversations and the importance of getting to know people outside of my shiny little bubble…

The Great Move, the chapter that tells of my move to Canada with my family. This, more than anything by far, has been the greatest teacher. This chapter was when I found myself in a world so different from where I grew up in. I learned so many things about other cultures especially when I was in Vancouver Film School. I learned so much about the sad realities of life, and how we all have a choice to bounce back from them. This was the chapter when I went through depression triggered by an unrequited love, and later on realized it was all just a lack of love for myself. I would say that without this chapter, I wouldn’t have been able to handle the next…

The Dark Ages, was a chapter that started out so magnificent, and so daring, and so adventure-filled and exciting. But I give it its chapter title due to the overall draining energy that surrounded it from the beginning, and more so towards the end. I fell in love with a guy that was ready to give me the world, but wasn’t ready to love me for who I am. I experienced physical abuse, verbal violence and worst of all, emotional manipulation. I learned that love isn’t enough – a relationship has to have friendship, compromises, acceptance and most importantly, respect. I learned that I am resilient, and that no matter what life was gonna throw my way after this chapter, I can absolutely handle it…

The Renaissance, cheesy, I know, but whoever said “There is light at the end of the tunnel” is hands down a genius. It’s true! Now I find myself in a place happier and brighter than anywhere I have ever been. I can definitely say that I am right where I am supposed to be in life right now, feeling exactly what I am supposed to be feeling at the moment, and being with the people whom I am most precisely supposed to be with at this chapter in my life. I am grateful for the genuine love I’ve found, blissful for the friends and family I have been blessed with, and ecstatic to take on the coming months and years of this journey called life…

I look at where I am today, and I realize that I should be happy about turning a year older. Turning a year older means I am still alive right now. I can still do whatever I want to do with my life, and go places, see new things, meet new people. Turning a year older means I have survived all the years before this; that I have embraced change time and time again, and that I have triumphed over obstacles and challenges that went my way.

Chapters. That word is subtly synonymous to “hope”, to “life”, to “change”. And today, I would like to celebrate turning a year older by thanking everyone in my life (literally EVERYONE, including those who are no longer a part of it in the present) for making me who and what I am today.

Because, girl, I’m slaying. ❤ ❤ ❤

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Evanescence

My Symphonies:
The Scientist by Coldplay
When the Stars Go Blue by Tyler Hilton and Bethany Joy
Flames to Dust (All Good Things) by Nelly Furtado
Wave Goodbye by Steadman

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Maybe it’s true. Maybe the easiest things to hold on to are also the hardest ones to let go of. Maybe we indeed meet some people along the way who earn a permanent place in our hearts. Maybe it’s definite that the people with the greatest impact in our lives usually stay for the shortest time. But maybe sometimes, letting go is our only option, and a so-called flames-to-dust drama is an inevitable consequence.

Seven months ago, I entered UP without knowing that my staying there will be but a very short one. Seven months ago, I faced another chapter of my life which came after high school. Everyone is familiar with it by the term “college”. Now the thing is that college isn’t all “ticket to success” for me as much as it is for some other people. College isn’t just a matter of earning a degree for myself as well as gaining reputation. In my case, college is also the perfect gate to new beginnings. My high school life, I used to say, was perfect. But I take that back now. I only said that because I was feeling rather anxious about the total difference of my previous schools to UP. As a matter of fact, I must say that my high school life had also been full of hardships and pain especially in the social aspect. My very short stay in UP, however, proved that it is possible to gain true new friends in a very short time. My UP friends, whom I am fond of calling my Good Friends*, are a perfect epitome of what high school had been sugar-coating the whole time back then and what college can never afford to conceal. They made me realize that it doesn’t really matter how much time you’ve spent with someone. It isn’t the duration of “friendship” that counts but the truthfulness of the relationship. I’m sorry to break this to some people, but I know for sure that only very few people from my high school life made it to my “friends list” until now. This goes to show that a lot of people didn’t really go the extra mile to save the ship which is in our case, friendship. Well I’m not saying that I made a whole bunch of friends in UP. In fact, I can pretty much confidently say that I consider only a dozen of good friends there, and only three very close ones. So why am I here? I am here because I believe that everyone deserves a proper closure. I know I wasn’t really able to properly say my goodbyes to the Miami people when I visited there last November 8. So I am taking this chance and this moment to seal the envelope of memories with sentiments of both calm and rage.

To those of you who don’t know yet, the answer is YES. I already made my honorable exit from the University of the Philippines-Visayas  last month. I decided to spend three days there before I finally left that place for good. The whole stay had actually been dramatic and physically exhausting. But there are still some people to whom I haven’t addressed my goodbyes yet. Ladies and gentlemen, I will now officially begin my curtain speech.

37147_161569313863527_800785_nUPV Faculty and Staff. First, I just wanna say that even though I am not that close to each and everyone of you, and even though I didn’t reach the point where you all know me for my achievements because I already left before that might have happened, I will still miss all of you, for I know that UP teachers don’t offer merely class lessons but also genuine education (well, at least most of the UP teachers). I loved it when I realized that if I decided to study in some other schools who claim they are “the best”, I must had taken very lame tests all over again. You know, the tests which require mere memorization and not really understanding. But you really have it sizzling right on the frying pan! I cannot remember a single test which didn’t make me turn my brain cells on for the go. I must say that I now believe what the other students of UP say:  Our teachers aren’t just teachers. They are MENTORS and PROFESSORS who will either make us or break us… either way, for a better future. To the registrar’s office, I know you’re all hot-tempered especially when it’s your lunch break. I even came to a point where I almost had enough with your pagmamaldita, but I controlled myself, all because I know you’re just in that certain stage of some sort of menopausal. Oops. However, I will miss dealing with you all. All those processing, going back and forth from one building to another, all of it. I couldn’t have entered and exited UP without your help and for that, I thank all of you. The OUR, the Office of Student Affairs and even the Residence and Health Services Unit. Ciao, UP faculty and staff.

34156_1412184103394_1264397_nHumanities Division (Skimmers) EXECOM, Upperclassmen, Faculty and Staff. I know not everyone of you likes me. Actually, I feel like most of you are still irked so much by the fact that I didn’t submit to what you had been expecting me to submit to since the day I stepped into the HumDiv Faculty Office. I am sorry for what I haven’t done for you but the truth is, I am not sorry for what I did for myself, which is to follow my heart and be myself. The reality is I never really join cheerdance competitions or anything that require yelling while doing awkward gestures, especially when I knew that UP way of cheering isn’t really like cheering at all. It’s all full of insults, self-praise and a very fierce thirst for a GRANDSLAM. Well, I won’t say any more of my feelings against that. The point is, I have the right to choose NOT to involve myself in what you guys really think is important. I have my own will because on the first place, it is human nature to be free. And unfortunately for you, I am not really the type who conforms too much to other people’s wants and needs. I have my own sentiments. I just don’t share them with most of you. As with the Hinugyaw Competition, I honestly felt like I just can’t deal with people like F***** that time. I’ve met a lot of modelling directors like him, and they all didn’t stand a chance against my impatient ego. I’d rather quit the ramp than hate everyone. Well, as with the upperclassmen, I know you all are annoyed with me. I heard all the back stabbing you’ve done. All those rumors, those mind games and those mean labels were able to land on my ears, don’t worry. I just wanna give you a little advice:  stop being so bitter already. MOVE ON. Okay? It’s not like I killed you or something. I will miss your arched brows and inconsiderate chats. That’s for sure. To my mentors, Ma’am Jayne Barcelona, Prof. Beth Vargas and Prof. Celia Parcon, I will really take everything I learned from you with me. Ma’am Jayne, thanks for being so light and seemingly fresh in teaching us the Fundamentals of English. Our class is surely unforgettable. It didn’t even seem like English1. It was more of Gymnastics, Soccer, Acting class and Education courses combined last semester. I will truly miss you. Prof. Parcon, I will never forget what you told me last time. Thanks, and God bless you. I will miss you all, Skimmers!

40599_150177391659566_4665969_nCMS People. I know I’m not close to everyone of you, but we all share the same passion. I know that if I stayed there, I would have gotten to know some of you a little more. But since this is it for me, I just wanna tell you this: ROCK ON, guys. Do good with your endless productions next year.

44385_1440490612615_8171609_nMOANERS, Coleen, Drew, Kath, Froi, Esth and even Celina… I will miss the six of you. Col, I will miss your loudness and non-stop talking. Drew, thanks for the book and for the friendship. Same thing goes to you, Kath. I will truly treasure the time when we did a shoot at Boardwalk. That was really memorable. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to drink with you after the shoot. But you know what they say:  when it comes to parties, there is always a NEXT TIME. I will miss the noise we make every CMS11 class.  Our group is the “Back of the Class” rocker. That’s all I can say.

36970_1261538073400_883505_nHall One Residents:  The Lampiririts. I can never forget the day I first stepped on the grounds of our lovely dorm. Up until now, just the thought of Hall One walls sends a certain sting to my heart. Even though there had been several conflicts and issues between me and the other dormers, I must say that what I’ve experienced in Balay Lampirong is truly a home away from home. Despite the fact that I hadn’t been an active dormer (not to mention a conforming one), I actually feel sad that I am leaving that place. When I visited there last week, I kept on telling Esther and Miguel that something is weird in the dorm. Later that week, I figured that what’s weird is that I’m leaving the very place where I learned to accept other people as they are, mingle with people having different personalities and even wash my clothes and fix my bed every morning. What’s weird is that I’m leaving the very place where I learned to appreciate simple fancies and trips like watching tv with about 20+ other people in the lobby, doing movie marathons in the mini library and surfing the net with 30+ other people surfing too… under one roof… during midnight.  Marlo, Gwen, MJ, Kuya Justin, Mamita, Kuya Roy, you guys are some people who made me feel at home in Hall One. Thanks for that. Gwen, thanks for encouraging me not to give up when I said that I’ll quit UP just before enrolling. You and MJ take care of each other, okay? I know that brighter days are ahead for the dubbed “Best Dorm” in UP.

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GOOD FRIENDS, I’m just sad to say that the end isn’t near… it’s here. But in every ending comes a new beginning. As for us, it isn’t goodbye, though. It’s only farewell.

Angelica, we hadn’t spent much time together compared to our other good friends, but I just wanna thank you for your bubbly aura, your frank personality and your on-the-go spirit. You also helped our group survive in some ways. And whatever you think you thought you knew or whatever, keep it a mystery. 🙂

Jevi, I will miss those days during the first few weeks of college. I remember I told you that in the group, the two of us are the only people who share the same Bacolod accent. *laughs.  Anyway, Jev, you are a very loud person, and I like it that way. Be yourself. I know our good friends accept anyone in the group for whoever or whatever he or she is.  🙂  Thanks for being one of those people who took the risk of talking to me during enrolment. Not everyone has the courage to do that, to tell you honestly. HEHE. Take care, jev. I’ll miss you. See you around Bacolod on December and on summer.

Froilene, I’m sorry if I kind of stole your bestfriend from you. HAHA. No, I’m just kidding. But seriously, I will miss our Hinugyaw practices and our everyday mixing and matching of clothes. I can’t even count the number of times we’ve been mistaken to be under initiation because of our O.A. outfits. Powerdressing to the highest level was our casual thing. Thanks for being there. You are a good person, fro. I wonder what’s up for the Best Female Model this sem. Hehe. No matter what happens, I do hope for a healthier relationship between you and James. 🙂

Jonnah, the net girl of the group, the pizza provider, the go nuts donuts provider, the I-don’t-care-if-there’s-class-tomorrow chick of the group… uhmm. What else? Well there are many names and tags for you, but I consider only one which stands out: a TRUE FRIEND. Jon, I will never ever forget the times when we talk about how we hate studying and those times when we convince our friends to stop studying and watch some more movies and do sweat-free stuff like eating, listening to music, facebook-ing and simply sitting down and talking. I will miss the fine, fresh, fierce Jonnah. Take care, Jon. Say my regards to your ate. I’ll miss you.

Kriz, you are one of the few people in UP whom I really consider as trustworthy and nice. Wait. You aren’t even nice. You are GREAT. You have a pure heart which surely worked in our group’s bond. I will never forget how much you defended one of our good friends when she got into a “fight” with an upperclassman. I will miss our sing-along and our lip sync sessions in mini lib and pretty much everywhere we go. I’ll always remember “don’t you wish that you could be a fly on the wall?!.. a sneaky little creepy little fly on the wall?!”. HAHA. That was so fun back then. I’ll miss our 90210 marathons while Jonnah and Mike are fighting on the other end of the table in the library. I’ll miss our “Did you know” sessions. I’ll miss the way we used to exchange words of wisdom and most of all, I’ll miss the feeling of real friendship when I’m with you. You know, that feeling when you can completely be yourself with someone and call that person a friend. That’s what it’s like with you, Kriz. I will really have you in my memory forever.

Mike, you are my first friend in college. I remember last May, when we were talking about some stuff I picked from a magazine I gave you… it felt like we were the only freshmen boys in the dorm! HAHA. Well, I can say that it’s true. We agree on a lot of things, and that’s how we came to be buddies. I’ll miss the gamer and the WTH-is-wrong-with-Ma’am-Pison guy. *laughs. Mostly, I’ll miss the way you talk. Seriously. I find it very entertaining when you start to speak. I don’t even know why. HAHA. Well, I wanna tell you this:  this semester, try your best to be hooked up on studies, but I’m not saying you should totally forget about fun. Mix fun and school and you’ll surely be the COOLEST University Scholar this semester. *wink

Paul, I’ll miss you so much talaga. It really was heart-warming back then. You accompanied me for lunch and dinner when I had no one else to go with. You really took time to walk with me and just watch me eat even when you had exams the other day and even when you’d already eaten. I would knock on your door and say “Paul, kain tayo”. Then you would stop doing you assignment and go with me. By the moment we reached CDH or Lola’s you’d simply go find a seat for me and I’ll ask “Paul, hindi ka kakain?” and you would respond saying “Hindi, tapos na’ko. Sinamahan lang kita”. Well, that’s something I rarely experience with a friend or with anyone else. I’ll also miss the way we put other people OP with our dramatic scenes. I will truly miss our acting portions. Do you remember that time when you just came out of the bathroom and told me “So, nagkakalat ka na pala ng issues ngayon?” I responded with a shocked voice. “Ano? What do you mean?” Then you said “Sa susunod, kung magkakalat ka ng chismis, yung parang totoo naman. Para may maniwala sa’yo”. After you said that I figured you were just acting, and we both laughed like hyenas. You still had your toiletries in your left hand that time and your towel above your head! HAHA. Sighs. I will miss you, Paul Tj Collantes

Lester, I actually never thought before that I would even talk to you or exchange hi’s and hello’s with you. But your stay in Hall One changed everything I thought I knew about you. That “mahangin at misteryosong” Jake Cuencang galit (as Nikko would say) turned out to be one of the most down-to-earth, compassionate, open guys with only the coolest personality. That awkward first talk we had after you got out of the shower was totally a memorable one. To top it all, I am grateful to have a very expressive guy friend like you. Most of my boy buddies aren’t really that open at all. This is why I will miss each of our conversations. Those late night talks, those confessions of problems and those College Humor and Happy Tree Friends videos will really be in my treasure box. I have several things to thank you for. Thank you for making me feel still at home in room 23 during those times when I wasn’t really feeling like being in room 23 at all. You know what I mean, and everyone knows what I mean. Thank you for constantly reminding me to forget about my haters and concentrate on the people who care about me. Thank you for telling me something that I’m not sure if you still remember. It was when we were in Bentoy’s with Esther and Nikko. We were drinking and we started confessing our far-fetched dreams. I told mine and you interrupted saying “You know, that’s not really far-fetched for you, Kenn”. These words appear plain and simple, but no one else has any idea how that one made me hold on to my dreams. Most of all, thanks for believing in me when I didn’t even believe in myself. I will miss you, random dude of UPV, and I will see you soon, buddy.

Esther, you have practically written two letters for me in one month all because you knew that I will leave sooner or later. Well, this won’t even be about the letters you’ve written. This is about a person who haven’t only been my closest girl  friend in college but has also been a sister, a mother, a father and even a brother to me. Everyone knows how close we are, Es. Even our classmates would really get curious and amazed if they saw either of us walking along the hallways without the other. We were partners in crime and on top of that, I feel like it’s safe to say that we were a dynamic duo. We had many things and trips other people don’t and will never understand and figure out. If I will talk about the things I’ll miss about you, I can write a book. Literally. The truth is you were one of the few people who made me feel “not alone” in an eerie and lonely municipality like Miag-ao. As for the things I’ll miss, I’ll name some. I’ll miss the funny faces we make—faces no other person can actually comprehend. I’ll miss our major major famous expressions—expressions which have gotten popular, but never really mastered by any other person but the two of us. I’ll miss our plastic smiles, our arching of eyebrows, our friendly mocks at each other and of course, our undying tag lines like nami ka, nami ta, sige guys, wow submissive, wow supportive, indi nako, mapatay ko, shet lamig, awwwwwh and oh really?! I’ll miss our endless talks in the mini library. I’ll miss our pangaway sa tricycle and even sa dorm. HAHA. I’ll miss bugaw-ing you to random guys like R, L, and the other R. Gets? Go figure. Oh and J pa gali. LOL. Hehe. I’ll miss our laughs, your teenage drama, your bitter bitteran moments with our good friends, which were of course just part of the act. I’ll miss Saturdays in SM with you, especially that time when we went out with the USA people. I’ll miss our hultanay portion in the lobby. I’ll miss our trying hard fights, our “review” portion everytime there is a quiz or an exam, our constant and consequent snacks everyday and I’ll miss your marshmallows. I’ll miss your butterfly shirt, your eyeglasses, your handwriting (so adorable. HAHA. Joke), your mp4, your bag (especially ang Dickies), your blue shoes… and all that’s in your closet and in your bag including your crumpled hand-outs. Sigh. Ask me what else I’ll miss and I’ll say “Everything”. I am more than thankful to have  a friend like you, Es. I am just here whenever you need a friend. I’ll never move. That’s for sure. I miss you, Blair Waldorf of Good Friends. Thanks for sharing such a fruitful friendship with me last semester. Four years!  🙂  *wink

Miguel, as I am typing this now, we are still in a fight which pretty much everyone considers shallow. Well, that’s because no one knows the real reason why I am so upset about the issue. But I am not here to dwell on that debate right now. I am typing a farewell message for you because we are brothers, and brothers fight. This will come and go, but one thing won’t—our brotherhood. I’ve started writing this curtain speech last week. Last Monday, I finished writing Lester and Esther’s part, and it took me several days to continue writing this entry. Now, I just felt like it’s about time I bring this procrastination to an end and start composing my message to you. Migz, we started out as strangers introduced to each other by Mike. Weeks went on and on until I found myself getting close to you. I started helping you out with your essays, and you began joining me for lunch and dinner (since I don’t take breakfast on schooldays). If there’s one thing that I can say to you and want you to remember for the rest of your life is that you are one of the VERY few people whom I have considered as my brother—my little brother. My closest friends back in high school know that one of my greatest dreams is to have a baby brother. If you only have any idea how much I envy my friends who bring along their younger siblings in school, hold them by their arms when they attempt to run away and yell at them caringly when they misbehave. I used to always say that since my fantasies of having a biological little brother is getting hopeless, I would just find one of my own among my friends. And it has all been a success. God somehow granted my prayers. I’ve seen a brother in you, Migz, and I’m not sure who the elder one between us is. I admit I can be very immature at times, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve treated you like a brother for the past four months. And knowing that I will be away from you is equivalent to the feeling of being away from a family. I’ll miss every little thing we do together or simultaneously—watching movies, brushing our teeth, taking a shower (in separate cubicles, of course), eating dinner with the rest of our Good Friends, eating pancit canton at midnight, our very confidential talks about my life, love life and my past, our daily “heart2heart” talks about the tragedies of our lives, mini library moments, our constant fights (we sure quarrel a lot, don’t we?), surfing the net, getting water from the dispenser, taking out the dirty laundry to Manang Cynthia, walking along the hallways of hall1 while everyone is looking at us like we’re aliens (HAHA) and teasing each other to random girls (including the not-so-attractive ones. Haha). I will even miss that feeling when we are seen by people together and they all have some close-minded and juvenile speculation as they look at us laugh together or walk together without saying anything. Honestly, I will miss leaving other people with an enigmatic aura the both of us bring. HAHA. Well, whatever they say or whatever they think they know, WE KNOW BETTER (wink). Plus, they are just jealous because they don’t get to have a very cool friendship like ours. I won’t be writing any more for you, BATA. I’ve already told you my sentiments, and I will tell you more personally. 🙂 Just take care. I know you’ll find a new “kind of” me there in Miami. Just learn to mingle with other people, okay? I’ve always told you that it won’t hurt to try to socialize. I will see you in the future. I will miss you, bro.

Good friends, I know it’s never enough to say “goodbye” and “I’ll miss you”. Until now, I am left with pieces of you which disable me to shake our memories together. You will all forever be in my heart.

As for the rest of the UPV people, I want to thank all of you. Yes. All of you— including those who hate me. I wanna thank you for playing you respective roles in this chapter of my life very well. 🙂

Now here goes my evanescence.

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So I Speak For an Onward Obsession

My Tune: Half Life by Oliver James

For sixteen years, I bit my tongue. For sixteen years, I silenced the voice within me. For sixteen long years, I believe I never was as strong and as determined as I am right now.

People who say that the road to success is not a mere one-way street are right. They say that such road takes more than just wheels and car fuel for a man to pass on. They say that no matter how fast you think you’re going, but if you have no idea where you are absolutely heading, there’s no point leaving home, and there’s definitely no point taking the previous steps in your life.

Right now, I am speaking as one of this “They” I’m talking about. I am right now speaking for my being.. . for my future… for my long-awaited dreams.

Last week, I took the University of the Philippines College Admission Test or simply, the UPCAT.

Now for some, this may not appear as something which can be considered as a big deal. Maybe, for some, it’s just a matter of taking a typical college entrance test, finding out whether or not you passed it and that’s it— end of story!

But no matter how all the other people perceive this whole UP thing, I still must say that things are different in my case.

You see, UPCAT is by far the biggest examination I have taken in 16 years. Passing this test means more than just passing a college entrance test for me. It even means more than my intellect can possibly describe.

If you think I am over-acting, then here… I will tell you what my mouth has itched to finally announce to the overall-crowd for years.

Since I was just five years old or so, I was already told by my family and even my extended relatives that I will end up as a successful doctor someday; that someday, I will be taking up BS Medical-Technology in a “cliche'” school here in Bacolod and will be proceeding to Medicine in yet another same old college institution in this same old city. They have been forcing me to see myself as a professional doctor who has a good ‘ole clinic of his own and a myriad of patient patients to cure. Generally, they have been unconsciously leading me to a path I never really want to take.

Growing up in a family whose members are of high Scientific and Technological educational attainments, it had been really really (really) hard for me to just say no to taking up that BS Med-Tech course and to becoming someone who carries a stethoscope and wears a fancy lab gown all the time. Fighting for what I really want appeared to me like a serious crime which no one can ever successfully investigate about. I have to tell you, I had to fake my dreams in front of my parents for 16 years simply because I didn’t want to shockingly disappoint them (good boy, good boy). I made them believe that what they want for me is what I wanted for myself as well. But having realized the italicized quotable lines I shared with you at the beginning of this entry, that the road to success is not a mere one-way street, I told myself that it’s about time I fight for my dream… my own dream— something I would most probably die for.

Going back to my desperation to get into UP, I’m telling you that the University of the Philippines is one of my dream schools. In fact, it’s the only one of my dream schools which is in the Philippines. I’ve always wanted to become a complete dormer living a challenging dorm life— A dormer who has to cook food for himself, wash clothes for himself… even pay tuition fees for himself ( and by himself alone). I’ve always wanted to experience what it’s like to fix my bed by myself without the aid of a paid helper. I want to know what it’s like to eat just crackers partnered with Batchoy every dinner time. Sigh. I guess what I’m trying to say here is, I’ve always wanted to live my life away from the comforts and pampered stability this city offers. Because no matter how you look at life, it’s not like you’ll always be at a beach shoreline, sitting and taking countless sips from an ice-cold lemonade-filled fancy glass and just gazing at the sunset without even worrying about anything. No. It’s never like that. I came to think that sometimes, it’s really good to find out that you can surpass a foreign trial.

That is why I’m dying to get into UP. There, I can live up my dreams worrilessly, fully and most importantly, definitely.

So it is totally final! I won’t be fooling myself by taking up nursing or medicine or whatever, I won’t be walking through the halls of the typical schools here in Bacolod in college, I won’t be carrying a stethoscope nor a blood pressure measuring instrument ten years from now(see? I don’t even know what it’s called) and most surely, I won’t be standing under the rain asking myself why I didn’t follow my own hopes and dreams for myself.

What I really want for myself is to take up either Film and become a movie director and producer, or take up Communication and Media Studies, major in Advertising, and become an overall mass media practitioner.

Come on, mom and dad! I’ve been writing short stories since I was four. And when I was six, I gave my speech “I want to be the president of the Philippines” to an unfamiliar crowd. And you know I suck at Math! I had countless tutors in Math before and nope! Nothing happened! I just guess no one can ever be great at everything and anything. Each and everyone of us has flaws on different aspects of life. Life involves extensive phases, and none of us must dream that we can be perfect in all those aspects simply because we can’t. That’s why Know-it-alls are actually dumb people. It is because they stupidly believe that their kind actually exists.

Okay, so I hope I can pass UPCAT even though I wasn’t able to answer exactly twenty items in the Math section and seven items in the Filipino section. If not, everything will be a different story.

I hereby give myself a pat on the back for finally making up my mind that no one succeeds for being so materialistic with hopes and dreams. I really believe that passion should be a core criterion in achieving life’s greatest pleasures.

Afterall, it takes more than just a “course of the nation” and a “scientific and technological educational attainment” for a person to be called someone who actually is successful.

Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.