Almost Miserable

My Tune: Cartwheels by The Reindeer Section

As apparent and as cliche’ as it already is, people actually make sense everytime they say there’s always a rainbow after the rain. I mean, can there ever be a rainbow, to be exact a shimmering and glittering piece of rainbow only nature can offer, before raining? I’m pretty certain there can be none.

October 16, 2009

It was a seemingly gloomy Friday night. The trees bent as chilly winds danced through their olive green leaves while the open sky was obviously rather deserted, abandoned, as evident with countless presences… or lack thereof, in my school’s football field. It was visible that the night tended to be cynical. And by “cynical” I actually meant “dangerous”.

47 minutes before this night I am talking about showed up, I persuaded Brenda to come with me photocopy a few pages of one of the books of one of the subjects I really hate: Bookkeeping (or, for a more general sense, Accounting). After the entire process of reproducing pages of “nonsense”, I came to see a jar of luring delicacies. I decided to grab a couple of Polvoron— one for myself, and the other one for Brenda, who kept me company in that boring moment in time. While the giving and receiving process was being done, I can remember that I lost track of everything. We rushed out of the place in no time and went back to school to hit some chat and grab some more snacks. About 19 minutes later, I felt that my body was light, like I was naked. I mean, I usually feel so loaded as I normally have with me a wrist watch, a couple of necklaces, a baller, belt and buckle, my cellphone and a fancy pen in my right pocket and a handkerchief and my wallet in my left pocket. But that time, I felt like I wasn’t even wearing anything. Not even a good ‘ole piece of tissue paper. It was then that I realized that, well, I lost (almost) my wallet for the third stinking time!

You can guess if I’m badly materialistic or superficial but I won’t take yes for an answer. You see, not to mention that that wallet would have been the third one to vanish, there are already sentiments that go with those black leather “stuff”.

It’s not just the whole wallet thing which almost got me insane. It’s also the fact that I never failed to see that I lost so many things and people in my life already. I just lost my mentor’s affection, I lost a couple of pricey phones, a couple of valuable wallets, a pair of jeans, a pair of school pants, a couple of pairs of sunglasses, and what’s worse? I believe I just lost countless of people both living and dead. Now how’s that for a disaster? That Friday night, I told everyone I was able to see that I am a loser. Not in a humiliating and degrading kind of way, but I am a loser. You get the point, right? I am a loser because I lost so many great and memorable things and people in my life in just like a span of hours.

I just couldn’t stand the fact that I was about to transfer school, even quit school, because of all of these misfortune and unfairness of reality.

But when Rean and Chyanne told me that I need someone, someone who’ll take care of me, watch over me and be by my side to memorize my every move, every word, every heartbeat, I suddenly felt the drift. I suddenly realized that I should let other poeple take a way into my heart. Maybe this was the reason why I was becoming so panicky and wrong lately. Maybe it was because I was desperately trying hard to convince myself that I could face the world alone without anyone else; that I could manage life without love; that I could still be sane and carefree while everything and everyone else is on a riot; that I could stay bitter when things are unstoppably turning sweet and delicious. I was wrong. I couldn’t. It was obvious. I am not born to be alone.

But alone I am. Oh jeez! What a lame presumption. I am not alone. I just proudly choose to be alone sometimes. Oh! Why do I keep on saying that I am alone and then affirm that I am not afterwhich? I guess this is because I am becoming challenged.

Mentally challenged.

Socially challenged.

Emotionally challenged.

Logically challenged.

Spiritually challenged.

Behaviorally challenged.

Uhmmm. What else? Challengingly challenged!

But like what I said, it’s not all the time that one has to suffer. There will always be a happy ending in every episode of misery.

Phoebe.

Jerome.

Rikki.

Shirley.

Hyndie.

Tita Alma.

Tita Elvie.

Tita Elena.

That was just fun out there (or shall I say, in there? Haha). SIBEERIA was definitely off the hook. What happens in Sibeeria, stays in Sibeeria.

That was one of the best rocking nights ever.

So, I guess, this episode of my life may be named as THE WINNING LOSER.

(*evil laugh…)

Now here’s hoping for a triumphant sizzling next episode.

POST SCRIPT…

I never thought I’d say this, but… I am quite in a nostalgia lately. I miss Ybarzabal Council. I wish, one of these days, we’ll get back to the way we guys used to be— like a brotherhood. =(

Obnoxious Options: Seek the Verdict

My Tune: Maybe Tonight by William Tell

Having had gone through countless pages of random magazines and fictional books, seeing way beyond the visuals of several soap operas and worldwide films, and being able to listen to the deep thoughts and ideas of deep people, I always tend to see, hear and even read this wonderful general truth:

Life is full of choices. Choose wisely.

October 10, 2009

  • Danver’s Birthday
  • Homonids Day
  • Final Research Paper Deadline (for some)
  • Invictus Guild’s First Death Anniversary

Today I dared to commit a very critical act which is to completely eliminate and ruthlessly discard every single thing which causes heartbreaks and indispensable pain. Today I gave myself enough time to realize that not everything in this world needs to be perfect… not everything in this world has to be flawless. Today, I am convinced that forever doesn’t exist.

You go to a mall and see several pairs of shoes which cost eight thousand pesos each. You only have a decade of thousand peso bills in your wallet. Naturally, you would have to choose one– just one, only one.

You have with you three girls who are in a love game, chasing you, wanting you, running for you. You seem to like them all but you are fully aware that choosing the three of them is completely impossible. Basically, the best thing is to choose– just one, only one.

Your mother lets you choose between an iPhone or a new set of wardrobe full of high end long sleeves and suits. As hard as it already is, you would obviously have to kiss goodbye to one of the given options in order for you to avail either material (although in my case I would eagerly choose the latter. Haha).

You graduate from high school. You would have to choose one from UP, Ateneo, UA&P, De La Salle, UST and so on and so far. When you finally came to a decision, you would have to choose what course to take. Will it be Chemical Engineering, or Fine Arts? Choose. Just one—only one.

You love one person who doesn’t love you back. It’s up to you whether or not you will let the person go, or stay in love and become a slave of a love injustice… a sanity suicide.

You have a myriad of haters who talks trashy things about you behind your back. The common reaction is to let yourself be fed up with all the crap but really, it’s all up to you if you will fight back or just choose not to win (because in my case, I always believe I never loose. No one does. It’s just that sometimes, I choose NOT to win).

I just think that the dizzying act of choosing is one of humanity’s deadliest processes. It can break friendship, families, love lives and personal strengths and self-respect. It can make you eat gallons of ice cream out of depression. It can harmfully invite you to sleep all day long without the effort nor the attempt of even just winking an eye. It can gradually turn you into a mind-freak, a soul searcher… a life taker. It can make the blue turn into red, red into yellow, white into black… life to death. Most fatally, it can single-handedly bestow on a person the wrath of life’s unpredicted schemes.

Right now, I just came to see how I have before me a sea of unfamiliar choices. It never even sank in to me that the day will come when I would have to choose a certain choice and let the rest be scattered into small pieces. Don’t believe me? I’ll tell you what. Honestly, I believe it is all up to me whether or not I will quit Starlight, Scribblers Society, school, IG, Math, Physics, Bookkeeping, hoping for nothing, loving and not being loved back, my annoying pet dog, etc. Sigh. All I know is that I never fail to see that I am blessed to seemingly be able to choose the right decisions most of the time. But I know, I know… this next choice I am about to make may turn out as a mistake. But trust me, do what you know will set you free. Do what you know will make you feel right even when everything else turns out wrong. Do what is needed, what is ought to be done.

Whatever we choose, we will always be responsible for the result.

But as of now, I choose to go with life’s flow. I always do.